There's one way to find out if a man is honest-- ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he's a crook. GROUCHO MARX
We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it. MARK TWAIN
It may help you keep your agreements--and not make agreements you don't plan to keep--if you understand the four primary reasons people break agreements. They are
- Approval. We say we'll do something we really don't want to do because we're afraid someone might disapprove of us--then we don't have time to keep all the conflicting agreements.
- Comfort. It often seems more comfortable not to keep the commitment. This is actually a false sense of comfort. Usually greater discomfort is the result. We also tend to make agreements we don't want to make because we don't want the discomfort of saying no. Learn to say no.
- Rebellion. Breaking agreements for rebels is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling hemmed in, limited, or tied down in any way. Rebels especially feel rebellion toward (a) authority figures and (b) ultimatums. Unfortunately, rebelling against the "doctor's orders" (ultimatums issued by an authority figure) can be fatal.
- Unconsciousness. Unconsciousness is a reason people break agreements. There are other important things to say about this, but I forgot them. Maybe I'll remember later.
Keeping agreements (and not making agreements you don't plan to keep) is a good way to learn about your need for other people's approval and how to replace it with self-approval; how to expand your "comfort zone" so you'll have more freedom; and how to move from automatic, unthinking rebellion into conscious, voluntary cooperation.
The second part of this little "secret of happiness" is simple--whenever anyone breaks an agreement with you, let it go. In your mind, let the other person out of the agreement at once. Imagine that the person called with the best reason and apology in the world.
Love truth, but pardon error. VOLTAIRE
Let it go.
Expecting human beings to keep their agreements is (a) not realistic, and (b) an invitation to irritation.
When someone breaks an agreement--especially someone important to you--it may bring back earlier images and feelings of being let down, betrayed, and abandoned. Use the opportunity to heal these memories from the past, not to add further injury to yourself in the present. (More on the healing of memories later.)
INTERVIEWER: You've been accused of vulgarity.
BROOKS: Bullshit!MEL BROOKS
The Thought-Feeling-Action Pyramid
Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket of whitewash and a long-handled brush. He surveyed the fence, and all gladness left him and a deep melancholy settled down upon his spirit. Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life to him seemed hollow, and existence but a burden. MARK TWAIN
TOM SAWYER
In order to make progress, three things are necessary--a thought, a feeling, and an action. They form a pyramid:
If we have a thought and a feeling, but no action, we're just spinning our wheels. If the thoughts and feelings are negative, this combination usually becomes worry, depression, and frustration. If the thoughts and feelings are positive, it's often just unproductive "positive thinking." (Meditation, contemplation, visualization, or spiritual exercises do not fall in the "unproductive" category. More on those later.) A physical action is required to make the thought and feeling tangible.
If we have a thought and an action but no feeling, the action will probably not continue for long. Our feelings are our greatest motivators. For sustained physical action, we need to feel something about what we're doing.
Do what you can, with what you have, with where you are. THEODORE ROOSEVELT
If we have a feeling and an action, but no directed thoughts, we're like a powerboat without a rudder. There's no logical, rational direction. This happens a lot with addictive behaviors--drug abuse, alcoholism, compulsive sex. The emotions say, "I want it." And the body says, "You got it," before the mind can even engage. Later, themind may say, "You know you shouldn't have done that." We knew, but we "forgot." Temporary insanity.
If any one of the three sides of the pyramid is missing, the structure collapses. We cannot do productive work. We cannot accomplish what we want to accomplish.
Knowing this, I offer the following advice: if you don't have a matching thought, feeling, and action all available at the same time, release yourself from whichever ones you do have.
For example, if you have the thought, "I'd like to go swimming," and the emotions say, "Swimming! Oh boy, swimming!" but there's no available water, let the thought and the feeling go.
If you're by a lake, in a bathing suit, and your mind says, "Swimming would be good for us," and the body says, "I'm ready," but the feelings say, "I am not at this moment emotionally equipped to deal with cold water," let go of the thought and the physical preparedness.
If the emotions want to go swimming and the body is ready to go swimming, but the mind says, "I think this water is polluted and may not be safe," let go of the feeling and the physical readiness.
You "let go" by refocusing on something the mind, emotions, and body are willing to do--and can do--together. Now.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. REINHOLD NIEBUHR
1943
Did you ever feel you were going in three directions at once? Maybe you were. Maybe your mind wanted one thing (let's clean the garage), the emotions wanted another (let's go dancing), and the body wanted another (let's take a nap). You cannot do all three things at the same time. Two of the three will have to go--or maybe all three will go, and the mind-body-emotions triumvirate will agree to do something else.
It's as though the mind, body, and emotions have little "minds" of their own. Sometimes you have to ask the Inner Henry Kissinger to step in and negotiate for you. "First we'll take a nap, then we'll clean the garage, then we'll go dancing, okay?"
Sometimes you simply have to lay down the law (lovingly) and tell the body, "No nap"; the emotions, "No dancing"; or the mind, "The garage is clean enough."
However you work it, don't let yourself be caught in nonproductive thinking, feeling, or doing. The result is ineffectiveness, and ineffectiveness feeds a lack of self-esteem ("I knew I couldn't do it"), which leads to more negative thinking, which leads to a triggered Fight or Flight Response, which leads to--well, you already read that part of the book.
If You Want to Feel Good about Yourself, Do Good Things
One of the easiest ways to feel good about ourselves is to do good things. The operative word is do.
The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident. CHARLES LAMB
What's "good"? I'll let you decide. Whatever you think is good--as long as it doesn't hurt yourself or others--is fine with me.
It could be doing good things for yourself--mentally (learning something new, focusing on the positive, reading a good book--well, you're already doing that), physically (exercise, massage, eating well) or emotionally (practicing forgiveness, spending time with a loved one, seeing a good movie).
Or it could be doing something good for someone you know, or for someone you don't know, or for a group, or for nature, or for the whales, or for world peace, or for the planet as a whole.
Again, the key is action, doing, involvement. We are, as Madonna was kind enough to point out, living in a material world. As Madonna's spiritual teacher, Olivia Newton-John, once said, "Let's get physical." Sending people nice thoughts is, well, nice, but sending them notes saying how nice you think they are is even nicer.
Purchase the book from Amazon
Copyright © 1988-1996 Peter McWilliams & Prelude Press, Inc.
This site maintained by
site credits