Fifty-one:
Surround Yourself with Goodness and Light

• Whenever you think of it, ask that you be surrounded by all the Goodness and Light you can imagine.
  
• "Good" is such an obvious thing, it's difficult to define. We all know what we consider the best, the highest, the greatest, the goodest. You can think of "Good" as in "The Good Earth," or "Good" as "God" with an extra "o!" added.
  
• Light is a concept that seems to permeate almost every religious belief and spiritual practice. The Light of Nature to the Light of the Holy Spirit; the Light of the Sun to the Light of the Son.
  
• Whenever you call upon this Goodness and Light, it's a good idea to ask that it do its work for your highest good and the highest good of all concerned. In this way, our own personal preferences of the moment are not competing with whatever higher goo d may be planned for us.
  
• Breathe deeply of Goodness and Light. Let it fill every cell of your body. Breathe it into any areas (mental, emotional or physical) in need of healing.
  
• Asking for Goodness and Light to surround, fill, protect and heal you, for your highest good and the highest good of all concerned, need not take long--a few seconds at most (as long as it took you to read this sentence).
  
• It takes so little time, and the potential rewards are so great, we consider it a good investment in your healing and growing.

  Life is
  not a
  struggle.
  It's a wiggle.

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-two:
  Pray, Meditate, Contemplate

  
  
• Whatever methods of prayer, meditation or contemplation you know--or would like to know better--now is a good time to use them.
  
• When we become still, the pain may resurface. That's fine. Let it be there, and continue with your inner work. Hurt that arises during prayer, meditation or contemplation is healing in nature.
  
• When praying, we suggest you ask, primarily, for the strength to endure, the power to heal and the wisdom to learn.

  I missed you last night.
  I missed you this morning.
  I meditated.
  I no longer miss you.
  I love you.

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-three:
  Keep a Journal

  
  
• You might find keeping a journal or diary helpful.
  
• Putting your thoughts and emotions on paper is a good way of getting things out, of setting them in order.
  
• Don't add any "I will make an entry every day or else" rules to your journal keeping. Write when you feel like it, and when you don't, forget it.
  
• (The various authors of this tome have, at one time or another, attempted to keep journals. Only one of us [the compulsive one] thus far has succeeded for more than a month.)

  I write only
  until I cry,
  which is why
  so few poems
  this month
  have been
  completed.
  It's just
  that
  I...

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-four:
  There Is a Beauty in Sadness

  
  
• There is a certain beauty in sadness (and here we mean genuine sadness, not self-pity).
  
• We cannot elaborate upon this further (not even the corn-fed poet in our midst dares do that), but we thought it was worth mentioning. If you are enjoying the beauty of being sad, it's perfectly all right.

  you left
  traces
  of your self
  all over my room:
  a poem scribbled in the
  margin of a book
  a corner of a page
  turned over in another book.
  your smell on my blanket.
  where are you tonight?
  in whose room are you leaving
  traces?
  are you perhaps
  discovering
  the traces of my self
  I left on your soul?

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-five:
  Let Yourself Heal Fully

  
  
• Let the healing process run its full course.
  
• A time of convalescence is very important.
  
• For a while, don't become involved in an all-consuming passionate romance or a new project that requires great time and energy.
  
• Just follow your daily routine--and let yourself heal.
  
• If you do not allow the hurt to heal completely, you may find emotional over-sensitivity the result. You might flinch at every new encounter.
  
• Let yourself heal.

  It will never be the same.
  I will never be the same.
  You came.
  We loved.
  You left.
  I will survive until I survive.
  And one day, I will
  find
  myself alive again.
  And another day
  another's path will
  run parallel to mine
  for awhile.
  And yet another day,
  you will return,
  and I will see
  It is not the same.

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-six:
  Affirm Yourself

  
  
• To "affirm" is to "make firm." Make firm the loving, healing and positive thoughts you have about yourself and your life.
  
• An affirmation usually begins "I am" and is always stated in the present tense. Claim what you want as though you already have it. "I am healthy, wealthy and happy," not "I want to be healthy, wealthy and happy."
  
• Say aloud, over and over, these, or any other affirmations you may create:
  • "I am alive. I will survive."
  • "I am healing."
  • "I am surrendering to the process of healing."
  • "I am healing fully."
  • "I am healing naturally."
  • "I am gentle with myself."
  • "My heart is mending."
  • "I am stronger."
  • "I have the courage to grow."
  • "I am grateful for so much."
  • "I am patient with my healing."
  • "My patience will outlast my pain."

  I am
  the nicest
  thing I could
  ever do for
  myself.

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-seven:
  Visualization

  
  
• Visualizing is imagining the outcome of something--what the future will be.
  
• We all visualize--often. We consider the future, and envision it either positively or negatively. Our problem occurs when we negatively visualize--imagining a future of lack, loneliness and despair.
  
• Take a moment and visualize a positive outcome. Imagine yourself healed, happily alive, thriving, loving and loved.
• Use as many of your senses as you can. See, feel, hear, taste and smell your joyful, nurturing future.
  
• Start slowly--a minute or so at first. Then build--visualization by visualization, day by day--imagining your positive future for longer and longer periods of time.
  
• Soon, your present will be the positive future you imagine now. That--or something greater, of course--for your highest good and the highest good of all concerned.

  When we are
  together
  we are one,
  when we are
  apart
  each is
  whole.
  Let this be our dream.
  Let this be our goal.

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-eight:
  Use Color to Lift Your Spirit

  
  
• You've probably noticed that certain colors have certain effects. We feel different walking into a dimly lit black room than we do walking into a brightly lit yellow room.
  
• As much as possible, stay in the "up" spectrum of colors--yellow, orange, red and pastels.
  
• Also, surround yourself with green--be it clothing, food, furniture or plants. Green is soothing and seems to promote healing and growth.
  
• And stay away from black and blue--you've been bruised enough already.

  Color
  me
  healed.

  
  

  ---

  Fifty-nine:
  Laugh!

  
  
• Laughter is one of the most healing activities around.
  
• Whatever it is that makes you laugh, do it.
• Rent a video, buy a comedy tape, read a funny book, talk to people who make you laugh. Ask your friends to call you with anecdotes, stories and jokes they may have, hear or meet.
  
• And, yes, it's OK to laugh about your loss.
  
• There is a fine line between tragedy and comedy. Seeing the humor in your loss, your reaction to the loss and even your memories about what was lost, can be healing.
  
• You are not being disloyal to that which you loved by seeing the humor in him, her or it.
  
• Humor can, in fact, honor the relationship.

  Why must I
  always fall for
  chicken shits
  on
  ego trips?

  
  

  ---

  Sixty:
  As Healing Continues

• As your healing continues, you will find
  • your thinking sharpened
  • your judgement sounder and more reliable
  • your concentration and memory improved
  • a desire to be with others more
  • a desire to do more for others
  • your feelings become more expansive, optimistic and alive
• You'll feel stronger, more content and independent.
  
• You'll want to get out, get moving and try new things.

  A new morning
  of a
  new life
  without you.
  So?
  There will be others,
  much finer,
  much mine-er.
  And until then,
  there is me.
  And because I treated
  you
  well,
  I like me better.
  Also, the sun rises.

  ---

  GROWING

  and
  through
  all the tears
  and the
  sadness
  and the
  pain
  comes the
  one thought
  that can
  make
  me internally
  smile again
  I
  have
  loved.

  
  

  ---

  Sixty-one:
  You're Stronger Now

  
  
• You have experienced a loss, encountered it with courage (at least some of the time) and have survived.
  
• You've learned that
  • You can survive.
  • The pain does lessen.
  • Much of what you feared did not come to pass.
  • Healing does occur.
• But don't just settle for surviving and healing. Use this experience as a springboard for greater growth.

  the last day of my
  loving you is
  at hand.
  in hand,
  a pen, writing one of
  the last poems
  exclusively yours.
  my pain fades,
  as autumn did.
  winter is too intense
  a season to miss
  someone in
  the last leaf
  fell today.
  the first snow
  falls tonight.

  
  

  ---

  Sixty-two:
  Let Go of the Loss and Move On

  
  
• At a certain point (and that point differs from loss to loss and from person to person), it's time to leave the loss behind and move on.
  
• Don't be surprised if you actually miss the process of mourning. Some people mourn the loss of the mourning process.
  
• Let go of the past. Look forward to the future.
  
• You will, of course, occasionally look over your shoulder, but, for the most part, focus on the future and keep moving ahead.
  
• Let yourself enjoy the excitement of uncertainty.

  I shall miss loving you.
  I shall miss the
  Comfort
  of your embrace.
  I shall miss the
  Loneliness
  of waiting for your
  calls that never came.
  I shall miss the Joy
  of our comings,
  and Pain
  of your goings.
  and,
  after a time,
  I shall miss
  missing
  loving
  you.

  
  

  ---

  Sixty-three:
  Forgiveness Is Letting Go

  
  
• To forgive does not just mean to pardon, it means to let go.
  
• Jesus, probably the greatest teacher of forgiveness in history ("Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do"), used the Aramaic word shaw when he spoke of forgiveness. Shaw means "to untie."
  
• If you are tied to a rock that is pulling you down in the water, all you have to do is forgive it (untie it) and swim toward the light.
  
• When you forgive the past, you untie yourself from the past, and are free.
  
• To forgive also means to be for (in favor of) giving (to deliver a gift). When you forgive, you affirm that you are in favor of giving.
  
• To whom do you give? Another? Sometimes. Yourself? Always. When you release another to go his or her own way, you free yourself to do the same.
• The process of giving yourself this gift of freedom is forgiveness.

  The forgetting
  is difficult.
  The remembering,
  worse.

  
  

  ---

  Sixty-four:
  Forgive the Other Person

  
  
• Whenever you can, as soon as you can, forgive the other person.
  
• You do this not for the other person, you do this for yourself--your peace of mind and the quality of your future relationships.
  
• A simple, but remarkably effective, technique of forgiveness is this:
  
• First say, "I forgive ___________ (the person, event or thing that caused your loss) for ____________ (what they did to cause the loss)." That's the first part of forgiveness.
  
• Then say, "I forgive myself for judging ___________ (same person, event or thing) for ___________ (same transgression)."
  
• The second part of forgiveness--forgiving yourself for judging another--is important, but often overlooked. Your judgement of the other person's action is what hurt you emotionally. When you forgive his or her action, you must also forgive your judgement of his or her action.
  
• It may take many repetitions of the above sentences to untie the many layers of transgressions and judgements--but keep at it. You can, and will, be free.

  The love
  I give you
  is second hand.
  I feel it first.

  
  

  ---

  Sixty-five:
  Forgive Yourself

  
  
• Whenever you can, as soon as you can, forgive yourself.
  
• Whatever errors, transgressions, failings, weaknesses, infractions or mistakes you feel you made to cause the loss--real or imagined--forgive yourself for those.
  
• The process is the same as forgiving another. Surround yourself with Goodness and Light and say, "I forgive myself for __________ (the failing)." Then add, "I forgive myself for judging myself for _________ (the same failing)."
  
• Again, the most powerful part of the process is forgiving yourself for having judged yourself for whatever you did (or didn't do). Who (besides parents, teachers, society and nearly everyone else) said you must be perfect?
  
• Forgive yourself for being human, forgive yourself for judging your humanness, and move on.
  
• A great book on forgiving yourself is Making Peace with Yourself by Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. with Leonard Felder, P h.D. You can find it at your local bookstore.

  At a critical moment I said:
  "I would rather you go
  and regret your going
  than stay
  and regret your staying."
  Some day I'm going to
  learn to keep my mouth
  shut.

  
  

  ---

  Sixty-six:
  Take Stock of the Good

  
  
• Now that the pain is less, understanding can grow.
  
• You may begin seeing change and separation as a natural, inevitable and necessary part of life.
  
• The relationship brought you a great deal of good (that's why you missed it so terribly when it was no longer there). Much of it is still with you. Now is the time to take stock of that good:
  • He taught you to appreciate good food.
  • She occasioned your interest in skiing.
  • That job taught you a great deal about computers.
• You are a better person for having loved.

  Sifting through the
  ashes of our relationship,
  I find many things
  to be grateful for.
  I can say "thank you" for
  warm mornings,
  cold protein drinks,
  and all the love you have ever offered
  another.
  I can say "thank you"
  for being there,
  willing to be shared.
  I can say "thank you" for
  the countless poems you were
  the inspiration for and the
  many changes you were
  catalyst to.
  But how, in my grasp of
  the English language,
  faltering as it is,
  can I ever
  thank
  you
  for
  Beethoven
  ?